Wearing: Hearts of PANDORA Hoops, Timeless Elegance Necklace, Radiant Teardrop ring, Teardrop Silhouette ring, PANDORA Rose Classic Snake Chain bracelet with Radiant Teardrop, Geometric Radiance and Radiant Hearts charms as well as Shining Elegance Safety Chain. Photos by Eric Black.

ACT ONE

I was drowning. Except instead of water, I was submerged in an ocean of my own emotions. They clouded my vision as much as they suffocated my breath. I couldn’t see my way out of the depths. But this is what I was supposed to feel, fresh out of a 12 year relationship, right?

My world had turned upside down and I was on my own for the first time in my life. I had jumped ship without a lifesaver. It also appeared as though I’d forgotten how to swim. Yet if I took a moment, stilled my anxiety and looked up, I might’ve been able to see the worried faces peering down at me. I would’ve seen caring eyes and helpful hands trying to save me.

ACT TWO

I’m wading. Well, maybe not wading, that’s too active a verb. I was floating. I followed bits of distraction up to the surface as though they were rays of sunshine glimmering mutely through the dense waters. I drank my way up. I partied up. I worked up. But I never woke up, not really. I was still in a daze with water in my lungs. At least I could breathe again.

ACT THREE

Now I’m swimming — with long, strong strides. But don’t be fooled, I’m swimming in circles. The circles get bigger with every plane I board, every friend I see, every family function I attend, but they’re still circles. Yet these circles are clearer. The sting of water is finally washing out of my eyes.

Wearing: Hearts of PANDORA Hoops, Teardrop Silhouette ring, PANDORA Rose Classic Snake Chain bracelet with Shining Elegance Safety Chain.

ACT FOUR

I see land. Solid, fertile land. I’ve traded circles for a straight line to shore. I’m at the movies by myself and I get closer. I’m on a long walk with my puppy and I get closer. I’m at the park meditating and I get closer. I’m almost there. I can see it. It looks wonderful.

ACT FIVE

My feet touch the ground; my legs immediately wobble. It feels so strange to be on something so solid again after so long lost on emotional wavelengths. But it’s ok. I’m remembering all the things I used to love. My feet get steadier. I start writing again. I paint for the first time. I relish solitude and seek honest relationships.

Wearing: Hearts of PANDORA Hoops and Timeless Elegance Necklace.

Wearing: Radiant Teardrop ring, PANDORA Rose Classic Snake Chain bracelet with Geometric Radiance, Radiant Teardrop and Radiant Hearts charms as well as Shining Elegance Safety Chain.

ACT SIX

I’m home. Well, at its doorstep. I look around and everything’s the same but also very different. The colors are more muted here, more vibrant there. There’s a sparkle here where there never was one. And there there’s a bit of rust, but it gives the home some much needed character. Music and laughter sneak out an open window. It’s all so wonderful I hear it, smell it, taste it. I see the wonderful.

Wearing: Hearts of PANDORA Hoops, Timeless Elegance Necklace, Radiant Teardrop ring, Teardrop Silhouette ring, PANDORA Rose Classic Snake Chain bracelet with Radiant Teardrop, Geometric Radiance and Radiant Hearts charms as well as Shining Elegance Safety Chain.

EPILOGUE

It’s incredible feeling how far I’ve come — and yes I mean feeling. It’s been so fun to celebrate my new direction, to revel in all the good things that are in my life instead of staying hung up on the things I think went wrong. And what better way to celebrate these wonderful discoveries than with beautiful jewellery that all say, “I love me,” as much as they say, “I love you.”

The PANDORA Jewellery collection for Autumn 2017 has to be my favorite thus far. With a focus on mixed metals — something I’ve always been a fan of — the line is experimental, playful and whimsical, which mimics my current mindset and style. Stephen Fairchild, PANDORA’s Chief Creative Officer, says, “PANDORA is a celebration of all women and all occasions, no matter how big or small. Beautiful jewellery shouldn’t be reserved for special occasions; wear it wherever you go, however you want. Each piece is special in its own right. Today’s modern woman is more capable of treating herself than ever before. She doesn’t need to wait for someone else to do it. She expresses herself through her style and the different pieces that speak to her soul.”

That’s exactly what I did with my choice pieces:

PANDORA Rose Classic Snake Chain bracelet with Radiant Teardrop, Geometric Radiance and Radiant Hearts charms as well as Shining Elegance Safety Chain.

I was immediately drawn to the Radiant Teardrop, Geometric Radiance and Radiant Hearts charms. I alternated between Silver and PANDORA Rose, placing them on a PANDORA Rose Classic Snake Chain Bracelet and finishing the look with an edgy Shining Elegance Safety Chain. My first set of rose gold jewellery from PANDORA, I felt this mix-and-match style perfectly suited how I was approaching life these days.

Radiant Teardrop ring, Teardrop Silhouette ring, PANDORA Rose Classic Snake Chain bracelet with Radiant Teardrop, Geometric Radiance and Radiant Hearts charms as well as Shining Elegance Safety Chain.

My symbol these days thanks to my efforts with The Sad Collective has been the teardrop. I love the idea of reclaiming this representation of sadness in a liberating way. No wonder I instantly fell for the Radiant Teardrop and Teardrop Silhouette rings, both in silver with clear cubic zirconia.

Hearts of PANDORA Hoops, Teardrop Silhouette ring, Radiant Teardrop ring.

As for the Hearts of PANDORA Hoops in PANDORA Rose, it’s hard not to appreciate a good hoop — especially right now. I couldn’t resist the cut-out heart details either.

Timeless Elegance Necklace.

Last but not least, the Timeless Elegance Necklace with its silver pendant and clear cubic zirconia. The name truly says it all. I think the idea of seeing all things wonderful has a lot to do with grace as well as a healthy understanding that some things will be as they are supposed to be. That’s what this stunning necklace represents to me.

Photo by Jess Baumung

Long weekends are one of the best times to pick up a new book. Considering that we’re celebrating Canada 150 hard AND Canada Day is just around the corner, I thought I’ve waited long enough to remind people what The Lit Squad’s final reading recommendations were for Indigo Books‘ current Read the North campaign.

It’s a short one, but considering the paradox of choice and our limited attention span — especially this May 2-4 weekend, I think it’s better to err on the side of brevity.

YANN MARTEL

This Spanish-born Canadian author may be best known for Life of Pi, but he has an impressive oeuvre that spans beyond that book-turned-film. So in addition to picking up this #ReadtheNorth reco if you haven’t read it already, perhaps you’ll want to consider The High Mountains of Portugal as well as Beatrice & Virgil.

MALCOLM GLADWELL

If you’re looking for some solid non-fiction this summer, you can’t go wrong with this English-born Canadian journalist, author and speaker. He manages to break down some complex concepts into entertaining reads. As written on Wikipedia, his “books and articles often deal with the unexpected implications of research in the social sciences and make frequent and extended use of academic work, particularly in the areas of sociology, psychology and social psychology.” We’d recommend all five of his books.

DOUGLAS COUPLAND

Based in Vancouver, Coupland is the author of thirteen novels, two collections of short stories, seven non-fiction books, and a number of dramatic works and screenplays for film and television. He’s admitted in the past that he stumbled upon this career “by accident. I never wanted to be a writer. Now that I do it, there’s nothing else I’d rather do.” His writing has been described as unconventional, modern and generational. It’s hard to resist his Couplandia.

GUY GAVRIEL KAY

One of my personal favorite authors, this Manitoban native focuses on fantasy fiction — a genre I grew up reading. Although The Fionavar Tapestry is a great starting point for getting into his work, to date he has written a total of 13 novels and a book of poetry. Proudly Canadian, he has been known to weave in landmarks such as the University of Toronto into his stories. They are magical rides perfect for a summer escape.

J

JOSEPH BOYDEN

What makes this Ontarian author stand out from his peers is his focus on First Nations culture. Three Day Road, Through Black Spruce and The Orenda are prime examples of his commitment to shedding light on this marginalized, misrepresented and underrepresented people. Beautifully Canadian, his books are eye-opening, emotional and full of incredible narrative.

Bonus reco: Elon Musk

Photo by Jess Baumung

Just under a year ago, I launched a book club with Chapters Indigo, a company I’ve loved since before I worked there during my teens. I remember sitting in the aisles for hours (being moved periodically by the staff) reading and browsing, knowing full well each time I’d leave with a bag full of books that would be devoured in less than a week. Like clockwork, I’d be back again.

A year-long project, The Lit Squad is coming to its finale tomorrow morning, and I can’t be prouder of how much it did. I wanted to share my love of reading with not only you, but an even larger audience through my friends and fellow book lovers Lauren, Sasha, Jake and Akil. Chapters Indigo brought this simple idea to life in a way that allowed it to make a larger impact. The reception was incredible and a part of me still can’t believe that it actually inspired people to read more.

I wanted to share my love of reading…

I thought it was appropriate to take this moment, on Canada Book Day (and World Book Day), to thank you all for following along. We started with a dream about building a company, mimicking our own beginnings, and now end talking about the speculative, societal impact of patriarchal dictatorship. Reading Margaret Atwood’s acclaimed novel, The Handmaid’s Tale, in this time of uncertainty has been eye-opening, to say the least. But foreboding aside, it’s also been an honor. We got to meet the renowned Canadian author! To hear her speak about this book in particular and her career in general, truly solidifies in my mind how important Canadian literature is.

I hope you’ve been reading along with us these past few weeks. Our final meeting will be on Facebook Live tomorrow (April 24) at 11:30am. The discussion will be as lively as ever, tinged with a bit of hard reality, celebrating Canadian pride and our efforts to #ReadTheNorth. Who knows, this might not be the end of the book, but it is the end of a chapter. So stay tuned for updates :).

xo

The Lit Squad

Photo by Lily & Lilac

I’m honoured to be featured alongside 18 incredible Canadian women in The Kit‘s most recent issue celebrating “Women Who Do” with PANDORA Jewelry. Truthfully, a part of me doesn’t believe I belong in it. From an author to a neurosurgeon and an artist, their accomplishments and accolades definitely dwarf my own. Yet if anything I’m doing allows me to rub shoulders with this female force, I must be heading in the right direction. A direction that PANDORA Jewellery is helping to foster.

Partnering with The Kit to shine a light on the inspiring work women in Canada are doing, PANDORA Jewellery’s DO campaign is all about empowerment. It focuses on authenticity in an effort to better ourselves and others. Not to mention the brand made each of us sparkle a little brighter with key pieces from its Spring/Summer 2017 Collection.

Stephen Fairchild, Senior Vice President and Chief Creative Officer, comments on how this collection is “bright, versatile and strong: like women. Each piece stands for something positive that women can admire and believe in, in terms of roots, actions and aesthetics. What they choose says something about them.” I love how Annette Oppong-Boateng, PANDORA Jewellery Canada’s Stylist, managed to pick out designs that suited our individual tastes perfectly. For me, it was a lot of mixing and matching, which embraced my Gemini personality to a tee. Here were her picks, as seen in the above photo:

Droplets Stackable Ring: This stunning 14ct gold ring studded with cubic zirconia is a piece I would naturally gravitate towards. I’ve always loved gold since raiding my grandmother’s jewellery box. I also wore the silver model.

Forever Love: Self love is something I’m striving towards every day and this silver heart ring captures the commitment beautifully.

Twist of Fate: It’s as though Annette knew the twists and turns my life has been taken when picking out this braided pave silver ring with cubic zirconia. I think it’s important to learn from the tough times as much as it is to celebrate the good.

PANDORA Signature Pendant: Hanging from a silver chain, this silver pendent is stunningly encrusted with cubic zirconia.

Interlinked Circles: These two-tone earrings in sterling silver and 14K gold speak to my love of both the classic and contemporary.

Sterling Silver Bangles: I was artfully stacked with PANDORA Jewellery bangles, two of which Annette creatively combined together to form an interlocked look. Of course, I fell in love with the one finished with a  Gold Clasp. But it was the charms that truly caught my eye. As Fairchild mentioned, they truly capture women’s passions. I was decked out in the PANDORA Signature Heart, Shining Elegance in gold and silver,  and Interlinked Circles.

As for my personal favorites:

Flowers by Tonic Blooms

Hearts Stud Earrings: I’ve been trying to embrace all the love in my life these days from reconnecting with old friends to creating social platforms that foster connections and communities. These silver hearts represent those efforts for me.

Sterling Silver Bangle: I took Annette’s love of this bangle and simplified it a bit to include two Radiant Droplets in Pink and Clear. It’s sophisticated yet playful and full of, well, radiance!

Hearts of PANDORA and Radiant Hearts of PANDORA: This whole line is a stunning interpretation of Spring colors and the promise of fresh starts. I was particularly drawn to the white models for their “clean slate” appeal.

PANDORA Floating Locket: Filled with June Petites (my birth month), this locket is a great reminder of my individuality. The silver details and grey moonstone also complements just about any look, so I can wear it every day.

The Kit’s Women Who Do issue isn’t the only project launching today. PANDORA Jewellery’s DO TALKS is also on the docket. With a female empowerment panel featuring Jessica Mulroney, Janette Ewen and Tracey Moore, DO TALKS aims to encourage “women to take action and be true to who they are and what they want to do.” All proceeds from the event go to Dress for Success.

I’ve always had a thing for strong, silent types, so the John Wicks and Logans of the action-thriller world have been great pseudo-dates these days. But dating myself only goes so far. Truthfully, I’m not ready to put myself out there just yet. Let’s face it, I haven’t moved on from my past relationship AND I’m terrified of modern dating.

I was with my ex for 12 years before separating from him, so up until now I considered myself lucky that I never had to navigate the murky waters of online dating. Now I think I may have screwed myself over…with the small exception that I have very little respect for the popular apps out there. Call me old fashioned, but what happened to connecting organically?

I get the fact that online services might be a convenient way to meet a larger pool of potential matches, but waiting for a right swipe based solely on photos and maybe, if you’re lucky, a few meaningful pieces of get-to-know-me info just doesn’t add up for me.

Thankfully, I’m not alone in my beliefs about modern romance. Steve Szikszay, Founder and CEO of Zepeel, shares, “Research shows that only 7% of communication is based on the words we say. 38% comes from tone of voice and the remaining percentage comes from body language.” Basically, meeting a person is the optimal way to know if there’s true chemistry.

Of course, there’s a reason why superficial dating apps not only exist but are grossly successful: they’re easy and convenient. Not to mention I can’t knock something I haven’t actually put to the test. That’s why I appreciate what Zepeel is doing. It combines the ease of dating apps with the meat of real life connections through video profiles, video chats and even live video dates for security and comfort before meeting in person.

Other benefits?

• Zepeel lets you get to know someone better before meeting in person.

• Video profiles reveal much more about a person than static profiles.

• If you don’t like how you look in photos, videos can be more forgiving.

• It’s harder to falsify a profile.

I think I may have to date myself a little longer before putting myself out there (King Arthur is coming out soon, hahaha), but I do feel a lot better knowing there are options like Zepeel out there for when I am ready.

The new year is always a time of reflection and motivation. People take on new (or sometimes old) goals in order to focus on a better self and a better life. The Lit Squad had this in mind when we choose our last book, Designing Your Life by William Burnett and Dave Evans. It’s a Stanford course-turned-book that teaches people how to reappraise their decisions, passions and more in order to go down a path entirely of their own choosing.

Photos by Jess Baumung

There are so many nuggets of wisdom in this book, it was hard not to have a great conversation about it. Granted, when you watch Episode 3, you’ll see that all of us have already been designing our lives. The Lit Squad and Indigo Books are convinced that you will also be inspired to design your own life after reading this book.

P.S. A special thank you to Akil for hosting, Karl for filming, Jess for photographing and, as always, Indigo Books for the amazing support! Not to mention the delicious sustenance provided by The Fix and Co.

Stay tuned for the announcement of our next book!

I honestly can’t remember the first time I met Catriona Smart. It must’ve been at a Nike Training Club sesh 3 years ago now. Yet though our paths crossed quite a bit over the years, it wasn’t until around this time last year that I plucked up the courage to ask her to grab a coffee with me.

What inspired me to reach out was her blog post, 21 Things I Wish I Knew At 21. It was a beautifully simple yet poignant way to reveal not only a ton of wisdom, but also that she was going through a divorce with the father of her daughter after 14 years together. At this time, I too was struggling with my own marriage and needed perspective, but no one around me could relate exactly to what I was going through. Catriona did and she graciously accepted my cry for help.

I’d always looked up to her, but for her to take time to sit down with me and talk about such personal experiences was faith-affirming. The conversation touched a lot of topics, not only relationships. It was then and there that I was truly inspired. I’ve since looked to her as a model business woman in this industry. To use a platform to do better and greater things is always admirable, especially the way she does it with kindness, charity and a disregard of what could be crippling fear in the face of pursuing your passion.

I might not have asked her to be my official mentor — I would argue I have many mentors for various parts of my life — but I definitely consider her one. It’s important to have a role model to look up to, someone you can talk to for perspective, advice and even counsel. It can be daunting to reach out to someone you admire, but so long as you do it from a genuine place, no one would see it as anything but the deepest compliment.

Share your own mentorship stories

To show Catriona how grateful I am for her help, I surprised my mentor with a delicious heart-shaped pizza from Boston Pizza. This meaningful gift, however, goes beyond its yummy ingredients: $1 of every heart-shaped pizza, as well as Future Prospects dessert, sold on February 14th supports Boston Pizza Foundation Future Prospects. Additionally, a $2 donation towards a paper heart will give you $5 off your next meal. All donations go directly to the Foundation.

What is the Boston Pizza Foundation Future Prospects program? Created in 2014, it focuses on providing Canadian kids in need with role models in their community through organizations like Big Brothers Big Sisters, Kids Help Phone, JDRF, Live Different and other programs that mentor kids to their full potential.

She looked down at her phone. Missed call. She knew it was her mom, wondering what time she’d be home, if she wanted a ride. She ignored it. Tonight was the night and nothing was going to ruin the moment.

She lingered by the cash registers, rummaging through her backpack as if looking for something. The lights systematically shut down around her until only the blue storefront neons glowed softly. She was still bent over her backpack when she sensed him approach. He walked with Chris, the manager, who winked at her subtly when she looked up. He knew. She was slightly mortified, but the excitement quickly overtook that.

They all walked out together, but Chris immediately turned right towards his car, waving a lazy goodbye. She went left, following a step behind him — Jonathan — to the bus stop. He slowed down and before she knew it, they were walking side-by-side chatting about the night and she was in heaven.

This had become a nightly routine over the last week or so. She had the biggest crush on Jonathan ever since she spied a tattered book peaking out of his back pocket in the break room. At the time, all she knew about him was that he was a hard worker, quiet with kind eyes, and older — maybe even college older.

She peered over at him shyly as he talked. She wasn’t really listening to him, so it took a second before she realized he asked her a question, “What are you up to Friday night?” It was Wednesday. She was stunned, so shook her head in answer first before croaking out a simple, “Nothing.” They set a date just as the bus pulled up. She walked in. He stood and waited for her to get on safely before crossing the street towards his stop.

She must’ve been glowing, a smile stuck on her face the whole ride home. But she doesn’t remember because she wasn’t on a bus anymore, she was riding cloud nine all the way there.

He noticed though.

She almost missed her stop, stuck in happy thoughts. It was dark, but not darker than any other night she came home after the late shift. She walked on autopilot towards her house. She doesn’t remember much after that, but this is what she does remember:

Feet running up behind her.
Hands grabbing her backpack, which she managed to rip off to run away, but not fast enough.
Her head whipping back as he yanked her by the hair, a knife suddenly at her throat.
He threatened something. She nodded submissively.
He pushed her into the front yard of a house under low bushes.
She asked for a condom.

He left her almost as suddenly as he raped her, saying, “Count to a hundred or I’ll come back and kill you.” Broken and bruised, she laid there. Well past a hundred, she started to gather her stuff slowly. A sloth. Her dream night now a nightmare.

She walked two doors down to her home. She opened the door and went to the basement immediately. She called her best friend, her aunt. She rambled, saying everything and nothing. She doesn’t remember her aunt’s reaction, doesn’t remember her words except for one sentence, “I’m calling the police.” She does remember trying to change the story, make it less horrific. But it was too late.

She had to tell her mom.

It was procedural after that. The cops came. They investigated where it happened and found the condom he left behind. They used that to catch him. They told her she was brave to have ask. She felt like a coward. But a numbness was starting to take over, a welcoming anti-feeling.

They drove her to the hospital, blowing through every light. They made a joke to help lighten the mood, but it was forced and no one laughed. She was violated again, but this time by gentler hands. Hands that washed away blood and took samples. Hands that helped put him away.

She took the rest of the week off from school. Only one friend suspected something was wrong. The one friend that read the paper every morning. By Friday night, she convinced herself she was ok. The excitement of seeing Jonathan trumping everything. She realized later that he became the embodiment of hope. And she had the best time. Except every time she moved, her body ached. And when she smiled, the sores in her mouth stung. But other than that, she was fine.

It might only be three days into the new year, but I wouldn’t be surprised if some people have already given up on their resolutions.

My fellow Lit member, Lauren of This Renegade Love, talks about the dilemma of resolution-making and the only one she’ll be making for 2017 — which I’ve already committed to myself. The fact that there’s a designated self-improvement window may seem dismal, but the psychological element of starting a new year fresh is usually too hard to pass up.

So it’s only appropriate that our next Lit pick is Bill Burnett and Dave Evans’ “Designing Your Life.” A modern bible on “how to build a well-lived, joyful life,” it uses the principles of design to navigate towards what you truly desire. After all, the purpose of design is to solve problems. What bigger problem is there than your lot in life?

Although I’ve only read the preface so far, I’m already drawn to the belief put forth that change can come at any age. It’s a hopeful perspective that I’m sure will resonate with everyone. Society may create boxes, but we as humans have the ability to step out at any given moment. We just need the proper tools to do so. I’m positive that after reading this book, I’ll realize I already have all the tools I need.

Come read along! And join us on Monday, February 6, as we discuss our views on “Designing Your Life.” Stay tuned for more details in the weeks to come!

It’s Christmas day and I’m currently sitting in an airport (CTL to be specific) thinking about family. It’s busier than I expected. Granted, there are a lot of families travelling, probably taking advantage of their kids’ time off. There are almost as many couples. There are not so many singles.

But I’ve always loved airports. If a state of limbo ever existed, it would be in these hubs found on the outskirts of bustling cities. Here, everything relies on a schedule, but time itself seems suspended. Is it the time where you left? Where you are? Where you’re going?

And where are you going? Yes, there’s an actual destination, but here that destination takes on the guise of so many possibilities. For me, I’m not just travelling to California. I’m also hoping to head to Peace. Maybe I’ll even make a stop at Happiness, if I’m so lucky. It’s as corny a thought as they come, but it’s the truth. A place isn’t just a place, it’s a promise.

But the promise of peace and happiness doesn’t soften the fact that I decided to spend Christmas apart from my family this year. And that’s why I’m thinking of family. It’s only natural. The thing is, my family was cut in half this year and I couldn’t bear the thought of celebrating at home. Running away is basically the last selfish nail in the coffin that is 2016.

I love my family to death, but it’s always been a tough love. Divorced when my brother and I were three and four respectively, I grew up being the messenger between my mom and dad. They were incredible in that they lived a stone’s throw away from each other so we could see them equally, but they also groomed me specifically to be the most independent version of myself.

I learned from my mom that we only have one life to live and sometimes you have to put yourself first in order to achieve your ideal state of happiness (a lesson I resented for a large part of my teenage years). I learned from my dad that the heart takes a long time to heal, so it’s only self-preservation to have a few walls up. This may come as a surprise to many people who know me because I generally come off as very unguarded.

Those who really know me know that I keep people at an arm’s length, that I never really let anyone in. I think the only person who was ever allowed full access was my husband and even then I pushed him away in the worst ways.

I’ve always been terribly self-aware, but that never meant much when it came to my decision-making. My impulsiveness always won out, but I don’t think it was the impulsiveness of heart over head all the time — or else I would probably be in a much better place right now. I think a lot of my impulsiveness stemmed from fear. Of what? I’m still trying to figure that out. Maybe I’ll also end up at Answers on this short week-long trip.

Interestingly, when I finally convinced my husband that we needed to take some time apart, he told me that was one of the bravest things he’d ever seen. After all, nothing was glaringly wrong with our relationship. We still loved each other, we just weren’t “in” love. But all that one-syllable word means is that we weren’t willing to put the work in anymore. I think I was scared to.

He was everything: Beautiful, successful, inspiring. We bought a house. He wanted children. The next 60 years were set out. And then I got cold feet. Was it because I sensed a doomed future or because it’s what I do, self-sabotage the good things around me? I argued that I didn’t know who I was, that I never had the chance to stand on my own two feet because he had always been a willing, loving safety net. But isn’t that the purpose of building a life with someone?

That’s what I do these days, flip-flop between what-ifs and what-happened. I’m in a limbo of my own creation.

The real issue isn’t what happened or what could have been. The issue is one of acceptance and owning the decisions made. It’s about learning more about myself from the relationship and working on the things that I wasn’t happy about to begin with. Because it’s true, if you’re not happy with yourself, you won’t bring happiness to someone else — at least, not in the ways that truly matter.

So here I am, still sitting in an airport, thinking about family. I do wish I was on my way to my brother’s to enjoy a hot home-cooked meal with the people that matter the most. I wish I was strong enough to bear through the gaping hole that aches in my chest every time I have to form new memories without my partner. But clearly I’m not yet. That doesn’t mean I won’t be soon. I just need time. And here I can suspend time.