I didn’t go through the typical existential crisis when I turned 30. It was pretty pain-free, to be completely honest. But as my 31st birthday rolled around, I had started down a new career path, met new friends and basically began reliving my mid-twenties all over again. By the time my 32nd birthday was here, I had changed a lot and not necessarily for the better.

Of course, my therapist (yes, I’m now seeing a therapist) is constantly reminding me to be less hard on myself: “Be more compassionate,” she says. Easier said than done, especially since I recently made the hardest decision of my life — to leave the one person who was my biggest source of love and security.

He says it was the bravest decision he’d ever seen anyone make and yet I don’t feel brave at all. Of course, to my credit, I’ve always had a safety net. That’s one of the reasons why I had to leave. It’s never a terrible thing to be able to lean on someone. But there’s a point when you need to see what you’re capable of doing on your own.

So this is the year of self-love.

It started with being brutally honest with myself (even though I’m in perpetual confusion most of the time) and now is moving into a stage of fearful acceptance. Doesn’t sound too pleasant, but I’m learning firsthand that real change is far from easy. I’ll definitely be revisiting this topic at a later date.

As for my birthday, I decided to keep it low-key. And what’s more low-key than a date with yourself at your favorite spa? Pampering is definitely high up on the self-love checklist and I went full out with a facial at Blitz Facial Bar and the Sweet Ginger + Milk Body Glow at Body Blitz. I basically walked out feeling like a new person, which is something I needed.

One thing I’m learning as I (cliche alert!) start this new chapter is that you have to be much more in tune with both your mind and body. It’s easy to escape the pain by constantly keeping busy, but it only means the pain will come and bite you in the ass harder later on. By indulging in some me-time, I was able to reflect over the last year a little more kindly and start to think about the upcoming one with some excitement.